I feel frustrated and useless at the moment. One of these times when I wish so much I could do something to help, but there was nothing I could do.

On my way home just now I saw an accident in which a little kitten was hit in the head and fell squashed on the road. The car that knocked it went on, and the one behind it stopped to see what can be done. I stopped too. The kitten was still alive and shaking, but it was hit so bad, that its body was broken, almost flat. There was nothing that could have been done, other than hoping that it will die soon and stop suffering.

I’m shaken and upset now; I need to relax before I will be able to move on. I wish there was more I could do.

Bureaucracy is something I’ve learnt to accept in all government offices, municipal authorities and health services. Many times I have been sent around offices carrying forms from one person to another without a real understanding of purpose, but with many ideas of how the process could have been made simpler. I never expected such an attitude in a private company, though the different approach is obvious.

This morning I did my best to get out of the house early to enable me to take my MP3 player to the lab without being too late for work. It has been completely broken for a few weeks already, and I haven’t had the time to get it replaced. It was quite annoying considering that I only got it a few months ago, and I didn’t want to give it up so easily. I drove through heavy traffic, but still got there early enough. The receptionist didn’t know exactly where I was supposed to go, but I repeated what I was told on the phone, and this was confirmed by another employee, and I was on my way.

I walked through a long and clean corridor of the old building to my first stop: the storehouse, where my request was listed on a form in three copies. One copy was given to me to hand to the technician who was to confirm the device’s status. Back to the corridor, up the stairs, through some doors to the technician’s office. He tried to turn the device on, it didn’t work, so my form was signed and I was sent to another office around the corner for another form that will confirm my right for a replacement device. In the other office the receptionist was on the phone, but helped me with a smile as soon as she could, to provide the form in three more copies and staple it to my original form. And back to the storehouse.

I was walking through the corridor, holding a pile of papers and my MP3 player. I had a strange association of walking in a hospital labyrinth, holding lab forms and a test tube on the way from one doctor to another. The ridiculous thought brought a smile to my face.

The helpful storehouse manager took all the necessary forms, leaving me my copies, and produced a brand new device, identical to mine. He suggested that I would report back to the technician to verify that the new device was operational, just in case. A good thing he did, because the new device was faulty as well. (I am guessing they’ve had some experience with this type of players). And again, a trip to the storehouse, another device, this time a basic check was made on the spot, before another walk through the corridor and up the stairs for confirmation. This time, it worked, and played, and at last I was free to go, with a brand new MP3 player, which hopefully will keep working for a few more months before I give up and buy a proper one.

If the situation wasn’t so funny, I guess I would have been really pissed off. It’s the attitude that makes it better. In most bureaucratic establishments, a sulk and unhelpfulness would have been added to the process, but here the people were well meaning and helpful, despite not being very efficient. I was never held in queues and everyone did the best they could to help me as quickly as possible.

There is always room for improvement.

Happy Birthday to me! It was two years ago today that Deviant Brainwave came to life.

So much has happened in these two years: new beginnings and endings, excitement and pain, a lot of music and some travelling, and I enjoyed writing and sharing it all. I think I’m going to stick around.

Thanks for being here with me, reading, commenting and helping me vent from time to time. I hope you’ll stay and keep enjoying Deviant Brainwave in the future.

Or in other words:

Hello

Come in and get yourself something to drink

And tell me something I don’t know about you

I’ll tell you something ’bout me

(Gomez, Detroit Swing 66, In Our Gun, Hut, 2002)

I’m one of the people who can’t disconnect. Not easily or immediately, anyway. It can be a very positive quality of me as a friend and acquaint, as I always do my best to keep in touch. However, when it comes to relationships, or rather, the ending of relationships, I find it difficult to just cut my connections, which leaves me constantly haunted by ghosts of past lovers and the pain the liaison might have left behind.

In some cases there is no choice. Some connections cannot be cut without severing other friendships. It can be very difficult to see people who I once loved move on into new relationships, but I try to do my best to be strong and supportive. What was in the past should remain in the past, and we should all be civil and mature and move on.

My latest break-up with Lone Wolf was the first time I attempted to make a clear cut. Names were erased from phone lists and removed from instant messengers, and were not allowed to be mentioned. My attempts almost crumbled earlier this week, while I was on the phone to a former colleague, and during the conversation he stopped to say something to Lone Wolf who was standing next to him. Hearing the name mentioned and knowing that he was so close shook me a bit. I was haunted again, just as I was thinking everything was getting better. In a moment of insanity, I even checked out his blog to see what has been happening with him in the past month. I was tempted to comment on some of the posts, but knew better and held back.

A few days later, I’m regaining my senses. I think I needed that slight jolt to put myself back in the right state of mind, after a month of confusion. I think I’m ready to move on again, taking the risk of getting hurt with the hope for a chance of happiness. Maybe next time it will finally work out for me.

Interesting developments:

Via The Modern Age, an article in The Mirror claims that Graham Coxon is about to return to Blur.

It is not yet in the NME, which I consider to be my reliable music news source, so I still have my doubts about the story.

I’m also not so sure it is such a good idea. I do want them all to be friends, and peace to return to the Blur sphere, but I also think that Blur without Coxon had a new direction which I quite liked, so maybe music should be allowed to evolve? I also love Graham Coxon’s latest efforts as a solo artist, but these should not be affected.

I’m waiting for confirmation.

Update: The most reliable source so far is BBC Radio1, confirming that the possible Blur reunion is indeed total rubbish. Not surprising at all.

My subconscious mind works in deviant ways sometimes. Uncontrollable slips of the tongue just happen, and the consequences are dangerous. Or as it was yesterday, simply embarrassing.

I had a short meeting with one of the developers. (It was someone I find quite cute, and even attractive, but he’s obviously so out of bounds, that I shook that thought out as soon as it came into my head). I was answering a question, and I wasn’t too sure I was right, so I wanted to tell him not to catch me in my word (a literal translation to the Hebrew phrase meaning that I might be wrong). Unfortunately, there is only one syllable difference between Mila (word) and Mita (bed), so it came out as “Don’t catch me in my bed”. Oops! I immediately corrected myself, and a few giggles followed, but other than that the meeting continued and all ended well.

I think my perverted subconscious is trying to tell me that I’ve been celibate for too long.

After years as a Textism sidekick, Oliver now has his very own photolog, this time with Hugo as a sidekick and readers comments galore. Definitely worth a browse.

I don’t know what’s going on with the cats this week. They are behaving really weird, and last night, I hope was the peak of it (i.e. I hope it won’t get worse!).

Sebastian was a bit sick for a few days. He occupied his corner on top of the stove and wouldn’t move from there, he was looking miserable and didn’t eat nor drink. I was really worried, but then I opened a can of tuna and he was all over it in seconds, so I knew he will be OK. Now he is still a bit quiet, but at least he is eating and drinking normally, and follows me around the kitchen, though not coming out of it.

I think William is just seeking attention. Tonight he was wondering around my bed, meowing at the top of his voice, while I was trying to sleep. I was so tired, that I couldn’t give him the cuddling he demanded. In response, he turned the whole flat into one big litter box, starting with the corner of my bed! There was no other choice than getting up and doing the essential cleaning. The rest was left to this morning, with huge piles of washing to be done. There is still something that smells fishy around the living room, but I haven’t found the source of the smell yet. I’m also not sure what it might be. It could be just the bleach I used to clean up the mess.

I don’t know why he misbehaves that way. Maybe he’s getting back at me for something, or maybe he’s just jealous of Sebastian getting so much attention while he’s sick. Either way, it must be stopped. Maybe I’ll have to consult the vet about it. Does anyone have any ideas?

Waking up in the morning is becoming hard again. It’s not really cold yet, but the skies were full of clouds this morning, and it is obvious that winter is almost here. With the holidays over, and everyone back at work, traffic is heavy again, and all these together make it difficult to get into work on time.

Last night I decided that I can’t be late again, and left my phone away from the bed, so I will have to get up to turn the alarm off instead of just snoozing again and again. It sort of worked. The alarm went off, and woke me up, but I knew that it will just snooze automatically soon, and left it there. When it went off again, I was moving in bed and trying to get up, but Sebastian hated to ring even more then me. He jumped on the dressing table, and sat on the phone to silence it. Normally, this would allow me another long snooze, but the situation was so funny that I just laughed my way up. When I sat in bed Sebastian and William both jumped on me for their morning cuddle, and after a bit of petting, I was ready to start my day.

I hate to think what it will be like when winter is in full swing. I’m guessing that by that time Sebastian will get used to the ring of my phone, and so will I. Traffic will get worse with every drop of rain, and I will have to work much harder to kick myself out of bed on time.

Shoes shopping is my worst nightmare. Well, actually, my worst nightmares usually have snakes in them, or I end up naked before a presentation or something like that, but shopping for shoes comes pretty close. It is something I only do when I really have to, and usually return with results that are at most, partly satisfying.

It is even worse when I need to shop for shoes in Israel. It’s bad enough to try to find shoes that are not made of dead cow leftovers anywhere, but it gets a lot more difficult in an environment in which tolerance is unheard of.

Today was one of those days. My old shoes are about to fall apart and there was no other choice, but to go hunting. I chose the shopping centre near work for my grounds, took a deep breath, and went into the first shop. There were a few nice designs, but none of the shoes on display had a note on it with any information about make or materials. I guess we should thank the shoemaker for letting us just know the size. I asked the sales assistance politely if she can tell me what the shoe is made of, she had a shocked look on her face, as if I just asked her the most personal question about her sexual perversions. The reply was “Leather, obviously”. Is it really that obvious?!

In another shop I asked about another shoe and got the same reply. This time I tried to keep my cool and asked whether there are any non-leather shoes that can be recommended. I was directed to a shelf, and pointed to a shoe that had a clear leather symbol in the inside (one of the only places that bothered to notify the customers of such information). However, when I pointed out that the shoe was actually made of leather, the assistant argued that it should be OK, because it’s only leather in the inside. I guess there aren’t any brainpower tests in the recruitment process of shoe shop assistants.

At some point I nearly gave up. I decided to calm my nerves by going into a music shop and purchasing the new REM album. I couldn’t help myself. I also saw the Kasabian CD, but I think I would want to listen to a bit more of it rather than make an impulse buy based on parts of one song of it that I’ve heard.

But I’m steering away from the subject. I think I went through at least 5 or more shops in which my efforts yielded nothing but abuse, before I finally went into one that I could browse a bit more comfortably. In this one most (but not all) of the shoes were marked for materials, as well as price and other important information, and there were quite a few designs that looked not too bad. Another look even produced a nice pair that was mostly fitting to my requirements. Even the sales assistance was veggie friendly, and double checked the materials for me.

As bad as shopping for shoes goes, today was quite successful. Not only did I get some shoes, and will now be spared the need to buy another pair for at least a few months, but I also got a new CD, which I will be listening to soon. Or at least on my way to work tomorrow.