Is there really such a thing as waking up on the wrong side of the bed, or is it just an excuse or a figure of speech? Well, if there is, then I truly woke up badly today. All these emotions are coming up, some of them are justified, but some are probably not, and I’m not quite sure what to do about it.

I guess the immediate reason for my bad mood has something to do with my work day yesterday. There was a task that could have been done well last week, but wasn’t. It was probably my fault, but also a direct result of not being given full information about it (despite asking), and other people dodging responsibility. Of course, I was the one who got the rap from my boss about it, telling me that even though it was the others that were to blame for the mistake, I was the one who should have taken responsibility and pushed them to take action. At the end, I was also the one who stayed at work until very late at night to make sure things are corrected. After a 14 hours work day, I got home exhausted, and was hardly even able to give any attention to the cats before crashing into bed. A day wasted.

Another thing has been on my mind recently. My cousin is getting married in little less than a couple of weeks. I’m looking forward to the wedding as much as I would look forward to a root canal treatment. I hate weddings. I hate large family occasions. Put the two together, and a nightmare is to be expected. I will have to spend an afternoon being nice to people I can’t stand, who keep telling me things in the line of “Soon for you”, which for some reason is considered a blessing, despite being the most tactless and disgusting thing to say to a single person at a wedding. I know I will be miserable, and even the chance of drowning my sorrows in alcohol is slim since it’s not likely that any proper quality drinks will be available. I wish my family would have understood that they would be better off without me there.

I’ve been thinking about it all the way to work. I wish I could have just concentrated on my music and relaxed. I will not be good company today.

I’m still a bit sore and totally excited! After many months of thinking and planning, today I finally got myself a tattoo! Yay! I love the result! (The full image can be found in the photolog).

My attempts to concentrate on some reading at work are constantly disturbed by loud bangs. It’s raining cats and dogs, and the storm is right over our heads, with lightning immediately followed by thunders that make the building shake and cause me to jump without warning.

Still, in need of a mind- revitalizing break, I braved the cold and wet and went out for lunch with one of my colleagues. It is so refreshing to meet someone in Israel who is not afraid of the rain, as if we are all made of sugar and will melt as soon as we step out of the door. It’s not even that cold outside. People hide and drivers slow, well below the speed limit, and even well below the required safe level when the road is wet. I am not looking forward to the traffic that awaits me on the way home tonight.

I promised big news, so here goes: I’m about to start studying again. Not the university type boring daily chores, but a 2.5 months course in radio professions. Yes, I’m going to be a broadcaster. I’m not giving up the day job yet, but studying will be fun, I hope. Maybe it will even bring me a step closer to my dream job. Life is about to become interesting.

Caffeine is happiness

In a few hours my work week will be over, which will be a great relief. It has been a hard week. I’ve been decaffeinating, which is something I haven’t done for a very long time, and my body hasn’t reacted very well. I’ve been constantly tired and suffered almost regular headaches. To add to it all, my neck muscles have been cramped somehow, which hurts a lot and makes it difficult to move my head or look to the right. My only comfort is the thought of that first cup of coffee I will have on Saturday morning. I can almost feel the heat of the cup in my hands and the steam in my face, the strong aromas and the bitter taste. Unfortunately, my imagination is not good enough to allow me to feel the wakening moment I will have as soon the caffeine kicks in.

The thoughts that I wrote about last week still run around my mind, but I decided to do something about it. It’s not definite yet, so I’ll keep you waiting for news. There might be something big coming up.

There are actually more than just some thoughts. There are a lot of thoughts, running in and out of my mind, turning into different directions, confusing me constantly.

To be honest, I just don’t know what I want. On one hand, I sometime feel lonely and wish there was someone with whom I could share my life. On the other hand, I keep getting into impossible situations, in which I become friends with unavailable men and constantly attracted to the inaccessible ones. This only leads to frustration and disappointment. Along with that, I keep pushing away advances from men for the slightest reasons. I often get approached in an online environment in which I have no ability to see the person I chat with, and I’m being very suspicious. It only takes a few wrong words to turn me off. Maybe I should give more chances, but I know I need to be very careful too. It’s tricky.

And of course, there are physical needs which I cannot deny. I’m human after all. A friend suggested that I just go out and find a one-night-stand that will make me happy, but I’m not good in that kind of things. Yes, I’ve had them before, and felt horrible in the morning. I also can’t really separate feelings from it, which can lead to obvious disappointment. Maybe this is what I need to work on? I don’t know.

The dating site I signed up with was a mess, and I cancelled my subscription. I’m becoming uncharacteristically pessimistic. I’ve been told that every pot has its cover. I think mine must have been broken in production.

It has been on my mind for a while now, which is a bit silly, considering I just recently started a new job. What am I doing? Is it really what I want to do? I’ve been doing more or less the same thing for over ten years now, which I think is quite a lot. It wouldn’t have been too bad if I kept learning new things along the way; especially if they are new things that I feel will help me develop. In my current job I’ve learned some interesting technologies, but it feels a bit like I’m still stuck doing the same thing I did ten years ago, and it’s not about to develop anywhere. On the other hand, the people there are wonderful, and I enjoy spending time with them. It is also a very small company, so there’s no way of knowing if the opportunity will come up at some point. The main problem about it is that I become impatient and bored, and just can’t concentrate on the work I need to do. So far I’ve managed to cover it up by being as productive as I can, but I’m not sure how long I will be able to keep it up.

I think I need to do something about it, but I have no idea what to do. One of the options is to do a Masters degree. Probably one in management will get me ahead in my career, but just the thought of it bores me. Studying might bore me even more. I still hold a dream of doing my Masters in music, or history of music. How could that help?!

Meanwhile, I’m staying where I am and trying to do the best I can there. Maybe the opportunity will come, and will make it all worth while. If I manage to think of anything else to do, I could just go ahead and do it. Maybe I just need to time to think about it.

It’s not that I haven’t been writing because things have not been happening. It’s not that I’m extremely busy either. Well, both are partly true. I have been busy with many things. Work is never too pressurising these days, but enough for me to try my best to keep up. My social life has been more or less hectic. I’m doing all I can to keep in touch with many old friends, while trying to make some new ones too. I’m also trying to stick to my resolution of getting into some new music, as well as returning to the classics. Mostly I have been kept busy by thinking.

I think a lot about work these days. Where is it going? Where do I want it to go? Is there anything I can change? I also think about studying, but mostly with relation to the latter. Relationships or the lack of them have also been on my mind. It is all too much to try to cramp into one post, but maybe writing about it will help me sort it all out in my head. I will try to break it down in the next few days, sort out the options, and maybe it will help me reach a decision.