Men are like busses. You could wait for one for ages, out in the rain, feeling cold and just wanting to go home. Then three of them will all show up at the same time, opening their welcoming doors. Once they will let you off, not gently enough, they will all go past you, splashing you with mud and triggering a yearning for a reliable car.

As my previous post may suggest, I am very busy these days. Some of it is work. This is a bit complicated at the moment, but unfortunately it?s not something I can write about here. There’s also the course, which I enjoy putting my time into. If I do it, I might as well do it right.

Along with these big ones, I also try to still have a social life, and stay fit. I want to spend as much time as I can with E., but we only see each other on weekends anyway. It’s not that I don’t have a life, it’s that I have too much of it.

And then, there are the things I haven’t done for ages and wish I could get back to.

I haven’t touched my camera for a long time. I guess I don’t have to tell you? you’ve noticed that the photolog has not been updated.

There are two books lying near my bed since I got back from Ireland over five months ago. I like reading before bedtime, but I’ve been too tired.

This brings me to a very important one. I need some sleep. I’ve been trying to do so much, and my body is not coping. This part is a bit worrying.

I’m considering taking a couple of days off work soon to catch up. A breather will do me good.

Yes, I’ve gone a bit quiet recently. There’s no need to keep clicking that Refresh button just yet, it’s not your cache that has been stuck, it’s me.

I’m feeling quite strange about it, because it’s not that things have not been happening. On the contrary, a lot has been going on, enough to make me so confused I can’t even put it down in writing, not even as an attempt to sort it out in my head. Furthermore, some of the stuff that’s been happening should be kept confidential, and I’m not very good at drawing the lines between the things that should be told and the things that must be a secret. I am an open book.

I offer a compromise, which I hope you will accept. I’ll list some major headlines, and won’t go into details just yet. Just to keep you slightly up to date. If there’s anything else you want to know, just ask.

So, it’s almost midday at the Deviant Brainwave residence, here is Deviant with the news:

• Radio course is the best thing ever! The line above is not made up, because I actually have been learning to read the news! It turns out that radio is a lot of hard work, and I enjoy every minute of it.

• There is a new man in my life. We’re supposed to be just a little more than buddies, and emotions must not be part of the deal. This is very strange and confusing for me.
• There were some nervous jokes about pregnancy going on between me and E this week. Nothing to worry about – all turned out to be well.
• I already mentioned part of this before. Lone Wolf has returned from the dark. We have been exchanging a lot of emails this week. I made it clear to him that there is someone who makes me happy and that I am not interested in going anywhere beyond emails. Truth be told, I have no idea what I want. He hurt me very badly before, and the residue is still there.
• I have been catching up on some new music, and going back to some classics. I feel just a little bit more educated.
• I got an offer to write for a local music site. I am still considering it. I’ll publish a link when I decide.
• There’s a new design here, have you noticed? I’m still working on improving the logo, but what do you think?
• With all this and plenty of work going on in my life, I’m terribly busy. I have been cutting down on my sleep time. This is probably one of the things that have been contributing to my shaky health status.
• And the weather: it’s gorgeous outside and expected to get even better this weekend. Time to get out of the house.

I love surprises, usually, but sometimes they can be quite confusing. If only minds could be read and intentions could be clearer, it would make everything so much easier to understand, predict and act accordingly.

I got a very surprising email from Lone Wolf last night. Just like that, five months after we were last in touch, he sent a message to say that he still thinks of me and he misses me. WTF?! Is this just it, or is there more to it? Is there something to read between the lines? Does he want to be friends, or is he just feeling a bit horny again and thought he might have a chance for relief?

I replied with just a short polite note. He replied to that with a slightly longer one. I don’t think I’ll continue the email exchange. If there is anything more to it, I’m sure he’ll get back to me.

Yesterday was the first lesson on my radio course. It was a long, tiring and very exciting day. I was looking forward to go to school all day. I do believe my work was done more efficiently too, with the thought of effectiveness and time pressure on mind.

The lesson itself was interesting, but mostly theoretical. There was the necessary admin, followed by some historical and technological overview. The class seems to be composed of some very nice and talented people (and some others who just talk too much). I have a feeling it?s going to be good.

Gmail has been spoiling everyone rotten. I got 50 invitations to hand out! Fifty!!!

If you want one, let me know.

I walked into the kitchen last night to see William sitting next to the cats’ corner and staring at something near the food bowl. A closer look revealed a rat enjoying its cat food dinner. It was big! It was ugly! It was not something I could just pick up and throw away! It was so big that William was too scared to come near it, let alone deal with it like he would deal with a mouse.

I ended up calling a terminator. I never thought I’d do that, but there was no choice. It felt a bit like stepping into a Schwarzenegger movie, and I’m far from being a fan. The nice guy on the phone said he’ll be here in half an hour, so I just waited, chatting at the computer, thinking of the big man who is about to come over and rescue me from the terrors of vermin.

The little red-headed guy that was at my door a little later snapped me into reality. The rat found a hiding place and was nowhere to be seen, but the skilled terminator was able to search in all the right places, find it and… well… terminate it. I only saw it lying on the floor for a second. I couldn’t look. Like a true veggie, I can’t even see dead pests. The terminator got rid of it and cleaned up, that was good enough for me.

If my little cats can’t handle a big mouse, maybe it’s time to adopt a tiger.

Beauty and Sound

Why do people say about some songs that they are “beautiful songs”? Beauty is visual, not audible. How can a song be beautiful? This is often said about very quiet songs, often songs that are melodically tacky. There should be a better way to say about a tune that it is pleasant to the ear in a purely audible way. Songs cannot be pretty. They do not have colour and shape; they have notes, tones, melody and rhythm. Their sound touches inside in different ways, stirring feelings and movements. Beauty and sound may complement each other, but they are not the same.

Sunsets

It has been ages since I last saw a sunset. I miss sunsets. In my old office in the old job I used to be able to go out to the balcony and see the sun sinking into the sea at the end of a summer day, or hiding behind the clouds in the early winter evenings. I even took some pictures of beautiful sunsets. I used to have some nice sunsets in the photolog, but I had to archive them all. Now, all I can see from my office window is the wall of the next building, with a mirror glass window, and not even a bit of sky. I do not know if it is daytime or night and I cannot tell if it’s raining or how strong the wind is blowing. Of all that happens outside, I miss sunsets the most.

For a little over two years, I have been following Ivan Noble’s struggle with cancer through his BBC News journal. Even though I never commented on his journal, his writing touched me, with his constant optimism despite all the difficulties.

Last week he published his last entry.

Yesterday, Ivan Noble died, aged 37, leaving a wife and two children.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this at all. Not so soon, anyway. Only four months after starting a new job and I’m already bored and unhappy, struggling to get out of bed in the morning and finding it hard to smile during the day.

I still think the people are wonderful. They are all very smart and excited and they try their best. A few of them have an overloaded ego, but they are still very young and I’m sure they will grow out of it. It’s the work itself that bores me. Most of my tasks just push me back to where I was ten years ago. I thought I moved on, learnt new things, able to take more responsibility, but it is just not happening. It’s frustrating, to say the least.

If I survive the next couple of weeks I’ll be OK. There are some very annoying tasks to get out of the way, and then I will start my radio course and it will spice up my life. There will also be a new team member which should make it a bit more challenging. I just hope not to breakdown in the middle of it all.