Wanted: A Vocation September 8, 2009
It has been a turbulent year since I left everything behind and moved with E. half way around the world. It hasn’t been an easy year, and with recent disappointments with my studies and my work, I have been thinking a lot about the future and where I am heading.
At the moment, it is all bundled with frustration. I see people around me moving on, growing up, and achieving all kinds of things. Some start businesses or get promoted, some get married and have children and some get into esteemed universities and get higher degrees. Although these are not my ambitions and not the kind of things I wish for myself, and although I am truly happy for every friend who makes such an accomplishment, I do get a little sad thinking about it, as though others’ success accentuate my failure.
But are these really failures? I’m not so sure. The American Heritage Dictionary defines failure as:
The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends.failure. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved September 08, 2009, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/failure
But what is my desired end? I have no idea.
So many decisions I have made in my life, many as a result of risk aversion or fear of changes, that have proved in retrospect to be a mistake. I can fill many page of “what if” questions. What if I accepted that job offer back in 1995? What if I accepted an offer to continue my studies in 1999? What if I haven’t left my job in 2004? It can go even further back, but the fact is that at the time these decisions felt right.
Soon I will need to make another decision, this time with E., and I have no idea what to do. I just have no idea what is it I want to achieve. What is my dream, my goal, my end? I know of so many things I do not want, and I can’t think of anything that I do. And there are so many other things so thing about. How can my plans be combined with E.’s? Am I too old to start a new career? Am I too young to keep doing something that I no longer enjoy? What move will give me the most satisfaction and least regret? In which part of the world should all this happen? I just don’t know what I want to do when I grow up, and with my 35th birthday coming up, this question is becoming a source of endless frustration.
I think that you are *only* 35. There are still many years ahead of you and you’re definitely not too old to make a change and start a new career (which probably will not be a new career, just a new development in your current one). You are too young to do things you don’t like for a career, that’s for sure.
I don’t know the answers to the rest of the questions, but I think that you should not berate yourself too much about previous choices, and should not be so pessimistic about your future. Your previous choices felt right at the time, because they probably were right. Contrary to your view, I think that your career and CV are impressive. I hope you are not letting the current situation in work and academia distort the way you look at your whole life and achievements. This place is not good for you, but that’s the problem with this place, and not with your previous choices in life.
From my perspective, your previous choices led us together, so I personally am pretty happy with your previous choices. If you had decided to stay in the UK after your B.S. we wouldn’t have met. The good thing about future decisions is that we will do them together and be together.
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First of all you’re never too old to start a new career and never old enough to do things you don’t like for a living.
It’s true that sometimes you have to go through periods of time doing something you don’t like but it all balanced out at the end…
The point, I think, is that you should always look at what you’re doing and what you’re going to do and never look back.
Hi Danna.
It’s Dave/Michael from Vancouver. I check your blogs. We’ve been friends for a long time.
You really are being too hard on yourself. You are a lot more courageous than your remarks suggest. As for a career change, you can’t say that you haven’t explored other avenues, that broadcasting course, for example. I think you will glide into something that you will enjoy.
I’m not sure what the current setbacks are, but if you read the biography of any great, accomplished person, there were setbacks there too.
Sooo… enjoy the fall colours. Relax. Things will work out.
BTW, we Canadians understand the Americans very well, being such close neighbours. In fact, we’ve infiltrated them.
Don’t take Fox News seriously. It really is a joke.
Regards,
Michael